Selfishness

I learned a great lesson last night. I learned how my selfishness brings about hurt in others and brings about a loss of freedom for myself and all those involved. I was asked to do something for someone. Instead of giving a simple "yes," or "o.k." I gave an excuse about why I did not do it. It came so naturally, so easily. It was so quick to allow my ego to take over in that simple moment. Why did that happen? I know. I had been thinking and worried about how things that I think I have done have gone unnoticed. I was telling myself, "Do they see anything I do for them," and "are they thankful for what I have done?" Since I was thinking about these things, and my ego was engaged, I quickly wanted to defend myself and come from a place of selfishness. I was very attached in that moment to being noticed for what I have done, appreciated for it, acknowledged that I had tried, and desperate to have someone tell me that I was worthy. When I did this I hurt myself and others involved. We lost our freedom to talk, to communicate and to love. Paul said it like this to the Galatians:

It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that's how freedom grows. For everything we know about God's Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That's an act of true freedom. If you bite and ravage each other, watch out—in no time at all you will be annihilating each other, and where will your precious freedom be then?
My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. Then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways of life are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day. Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence? Galatians 5:13-18

My reaction was compulsive, sinful, and at odds with the way that Christ has asked me to live - to use my freedom to love. I was not led by the Spirit in that moment. I began to be annihilating - wreaking or capable of wreaking complete destruction - with my relationships. I lost the freedom that comes with being detached from the outcome. I forgot that my ego is dead and that my life is to be Christ's. The peace and freedom of allowing my life to be dead was lost because the demand of the ego to live was there and brought back my compulsions of a ego dominated life. I so clearly see how, when my ego is allowed to live, I become angry and selfish. I clearly see how it begins to interfere with my relationships. If in that moment (and all the moments before), I would have been able to not worry about how I was being perceived, to detach from any outcome of having to be noticed, and to not worry about being thanked - freedom and peace would have ruled. Christ's spirit would have ruled. I would have been able to say "sure," or "o.k" and love would have continued. However, since I was selfish and wanting these things anger ruled.

To truly not be selfish - What a practice to put in place! Notice your inner world today. Are you wanting someone to notice what you have done? Are you wanting, almost demanding that someone say thanks? What would happen if you did not worry about this but just did it because giving your life away is the call of God? What would happen in your life if you were detached from the outcome of being noticed or recognized? Experiment with it for a while and see what happens. What is the worst that could happen - freedom and peace?

Namaste'