Loving without Attachment

We are are so attached to other people's opinions. I cannot tell you how many people I see that are so totally attached to the idea that "other people have to love me." People attempt suicide over the idea that someone does not love them. We demand it from others. We end marriages and relationships because we tell ourselves that we are not being loved in the way that we "should" be and that if someone really loved me they would change! The most amazing thing to me is that we demand that people love us "just as we are," with all our faults, warts, mistakes. We just want someone to let us "be ourselves," but we are unwilling to do the same for those we supposedly love.
Anthony de Mello in his book, The Way to Love, has two powerful affirmations that can help us love without attachment. Tell yourself these two things and see your response:

1) "I am really not attached to you at all. I am merely deluding myself into the belief that without you I would not be happy."
2) "I leave you free to be yourself, to think your thoughts, to indulge your tastes, follow your inclinations, and behave in ways that you decide are to your liking."

Powerful words that most of us will have a very hard time with at first. However, this is really true and selfless love. Jesus told us this very same thing:

"Here is a simple rule of thumb for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them! If you only love the lovable, do you expect a pat on the back? Run-of-the-mill sinners do that. If you only help those who help you, do you expect a medal? Garden-variety sinners do that. If you only give for what you hope to get out of it, do you think that's charity? The stingiest of pawnbrokers does that.
"I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You'll never—I promise—regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we're at our worst. Our Father is kind; you be kind.
"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. Don't condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang. Be easy on people; you'll find life a lot easier. Give away your life; you'll find life given back, but not merely given back—given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity." Luke 6:31-38

Jesus tells us here not to expect anything back for our love. We are told that "anyone" can give and help and expect something back for their love. We are commanded to something much higher here. To love without attachment, to love people with no expectation that they will love us back in the way we think they "ought to."

You see, we all do this! We all expect to be able to jump on others faults, criticize them, and expect them to change. We tell ourselves (because we are so attached to our selfish ways) that if they do change then this is proof that they love us. We also say to ourselves and others that if they love us they will love us without having to make us change. What hypocrites we are! We do not need someone else to act in a certain manner to "be o.k," or happy. God loves us. We are just fooling ourselves. We also do not need someone to only accept us as we think they should to be happy. All this kind of attachement leads to "boomerangs" coming back to hit us and causing us great emotional pain.

We need to love without attachment. Allow people to be who they are - to pursue their tastes, own inclinations and likings - and not jump on them for faults or failures. We need to love without the expectation of some reward and return of love. When we can truly love without attachment our life is given back to us with bonus! It is so counter intuitive, but it works. We are drawn to those who love us without condition. Those individuals that allow us to pursue our own taste, inclinations and likings. It is the way of Jesus, it is the way of love, it is the cross - to love without expectation of a reward. Imagine if we could offer it to everyone around us - especially those closest to us - how would our relationships change? If someone offered it to you how would it change you? How would you see them? Practice loving without attachment and selfishness. Allow others to pursue their likings and inclinations, to have their own thoughts and feelings without criticism. Know that your worth and love comes from the Creator of the universe! Watch how your life transforms when you give up your attachments.

Namaste'